Depression Taught Me to Love Myself More
Those of you who follow me know that I have battled with Persistent Depressive Disorder since I was a kid. Depression molded me into someone full of anguish, desperateness and longing for death. Throughout my life depression has lied to me in so many ways. From thinking I’m ugly, to I’m not worth, to no one will truly love me and that life will never get better. I wasn’t living, I was surviving. I’d just go with the flow like a zombie. I felt no pleasure what so ever. I completely forgot what happiness is. It became a vicious cycle of suffering, because I was afraid to feel and be happy. I truly believed that if I were to be happy, life would take it away instantly.
Years later I learned that to be not true. Life will always have its ups and downs, but you can be happy. After deciding to get professional help and making drastic changes in my life. It got a whole lot better. By taking the first step and accepting my mental illness, my life started to shift in the right direction. I learned how deceiving my depression was. I started to eat the correct foods, drink loads of water during the day and exercising. I was able to fix my sleeping schedule, it wasn’t easy and till this day sleeping can still be hard. I let go of people who didn’t want the best for me and even eliminated all triggering social media accounts.
Hitting rock bottom made me realize I had no where to go but back up. When I began to rise, I felt anger. But the good kind of anger. The type where you had enough, and want the best for yourself. That’s when I realized that the only one truly making myself suffer is me and that is something difficult to admit. Yes, there were horrible people in my life that caused damage, but it’s because I allowed their opinions and actions to define me. I started to face my inner demons. It was the toughest thing I had to do in my life. At times I felt stuck, but with therapy I saw my situation from a different perspective and that helped immensely.
I had to let go of everything I had learned throughout the years. I had to trick my mind to see things differently. To question my inner beliefs. To shift my perspective of life. Through this process I saw my self-value. I started to love myself. I no longer wanted to spend time with those who didn’t want the best for me. I began saying no more often because that doesn’t make me a bad person. I stopped doing what other people thought I should be doing, and started to pursue my dreams. You see when you live a life full of suffering, and your fed up with it. You no longer want to be a slave of life. You want to be the master of your life.
I now cherish the small moments, like a funny movie with my parents or a good conversation with my best friends. Through this journey I learned that I was addicted to the idea that happiness was in the next relationship, or the next place. I was always postponing my happiness to what would come next and not in the present moment. So, I gave up that idea and began to build a life that I’d be proud to live in each day.
Depression is a sneaky illness, at times it still wants to control my life. But after what I went through I’ve decided not to let it win. I will continue taking care of my body and mind because if I don’t, depression will be victorious. So, I invite you to take control of your life. It’s simple, but not easy. It will be challenging. But I promise you, if you do it will be worth it.
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