What It's Like Living With Both Depression and Anxiety !

Just stay quiet, it’s not like anyone is listening to you anyways. I mean, do you really think they care ?

Alright, I’ll just go in here and pay this bill. I’ll be right out into the car. No one will be looking at me. Right ? Right ?

I don’t feel like getting up today. No one will miss me.

I missed the test today ! Oh no, what if they won’t let me retake it ? I knew I should have gotten up today. Oh no.

Look at yourself, do you really think you’re worth all the trouble you make ?

I’m going to go through self checkout. No one has to talk to me. I don’t have to stutter over my words. It’s a win win for everyone.

Depression doesn’t just show up when something bad happens. For me, it’s always about the little things. Someone will look at me wrong. I drop something on a bad day. The weather will affect me. Even just thinking about something from the past will trigger me. But something bad can happen, and I won’t feel as affected. Then, the depression will build and just burst one day over something simple as shutting a door too hard.

Anxiety isn’t just something people make up because they need an excuse as to why they work too hard or try too hard. Anxiety is a motivator for many of people but for all the wrong reasons. Anxiety pushes people too hard for little things, such as a poster project in school, a practice writing exam, their looks, how they dress, what they eat or how they do everything they do. Anxiety convinces people they need to be and look a certain way in public.

Can I not just have one damn day where I’m content to go into public with just sweatpants, a baggy tee shirt and a messy bun ? Do I always have to put on makeup, wear some tight fitting jeans, a nice shirt, do my hair just to go to the dollar store ? Am I conceited or do I just care too much ?

Sometimes, depression will win over my anxiety. I will go into public dressed in those sweatpants and baggy t-shirt. I will look like a complete mess and I won’t think anything of it, until I wake up fully, later in the day. Then, I will be consciously wrapping my arms around myself, shying away, scolding myself in my head for looking the way I did.

Can I not wake up one day and just be happy and content with who I am ?

Is it that hard ? Are you sure you’re not faking this for sympathy ?

Why would you be depressed? You have no reason to be depressed.

Anxiety is just your excuse. Grow up.

Waking up every day is a struggle. It’s like waking up with an elephant on your chest and having to move around and act normal with that extra weight on you. Anxiety will never be an excuse. Anxiety is me. I am anxiety. It is a part of me. The same goes to depression. Depression and anxiety are two of the things I would never wish on anyone, even my archenemy.